Thank You Revenge is Bitter-Sweet
Andy Alkaline
©Mental Dimensions Humor Ezine
11/10/2005
Anger sometimes creeps up on me, causing my fist to come in contact with inanimate objects. I have learned over the years that physically attacking defenseless objects is not the best solution. Speaking of solutions, it's a very poor choice to strike a vat which contains a solution, such as an acidic compound capable of dissolving human flesh and metal alloys.
I'm a proponent of cognitive therapy, and it's helped through the years in dealing with my anger issues. I will emphatically state that one can learn valuable lessons from cognitive therapy and searing flesh. I'm optimistic that by passing on this knowledge, I will help someone -- perhaps it would even be the mysterious person who emailed me earlier today, to thank me for what I've done with this web site. If that person were not so anonymous and cloaked in mystery, I would reply with a standard "You're welcome" message, and also thank him or her back for a morale boost.
If I thank someone who has thanked me, then that could be because of something I invented in my own mind five seconds ago: Thank You Revenge. After I've returned their thanks, I would stand over them, laughing diabolically, and say, "And you thought you could thank me without me thanking you back, did you? Think again!"
If you're curious about exacting revenge upon your enemies, then Thank You Revenge is probably not for you. On the other hand, it may be wise to keep the idea in your mind during slow revenge periods in your life. For example, if your vengeance "to-do" list is a bit light at the moment, and you're experiencing a lull in your evil revenge planning, then recall Thank You Revenge. It could help you remain alert, and help to keep your senses sharp. You'll be able to maintain a constant state of battle readiness at the time when you're abruptly and swiftly required to execute extreme measures of vengeance.
I do have issues. I'm not speaking of an annual subscription, but of a paperboy striking me every morning with a daily paper, which causes bruises, swelling, and permanent scarring in nine out of the eleven tender areas of my body. I am proud to say that I now have my issues under much better control than I did at the time when I viciously attacked the screen in my window with a telephone. Despite my progress, I'm still occasionally reminded of my Neanderthal heritage in times of stress. The paperboy will be reminded tomorrow, as well as members of his family and anyone who's close to him.