Choose Violence or Sex, but not Both
Andy Alkaline
©Mental Dimensions Humor Ezine
11/12/2005

There has been a controversy brewing over the past few centuries regarding ratings on video games. It seems that sex is much more unacceptable now than violence. For instance, I have recently seen a commercial twice that advertises a new war game. The commercial begins with animated soldiers (from the game) sitting around, one saying, "First thing I'm gonna do when I get home is..." The soldier's sentence is abruptly cut short because of an explosion, and then the roof immediately collapses onto all of them. These soldiers are never seen or heard from again in this particular commercial. Perhaps I'm crazy, or mildly disturbed, but to me, there doesn't seem to be much room for controversial debate here. Sexually suggestive material seems to be more of a problem to obtain, while material that suggests death and never seeing one's family again is acceptable, and rated teen or mature. I apologize for not remembering which rating has been put upon the game. My memory is sometimes poor; perhaps I'm crazy or mildly disturbed.

Many people will never see the death, violence and suffering that soldiers encounter, except in movies, which can be very informative, but often embellished with lies and distorted facts, and never offer first-hand experience to the viewer. In the video game industry, this seems to be a reversal. Maybe video games are meant to provide more balance to people's lives. Maybe a good video war game will broaden my horizons, and offer me enlightenment in areas of which I have no knowledge. From personal experience, I've seen titties and have been sexually suggestive, but I've not seen war nor have I written my Congressman to inform him, "I'm dissatisfied with the amount of global conflicts in which we're currently engaged. I would like to suggest more violence. Please sir may we have another?"

On the other hand, the balance could be the complete opposite for some people. Access to sex and sexy things can be difficult at times, especially if one is an idiot, a jerk, an ignoramus, has no genitals, or has a widespread reputation for incompetence in the bedroom. Another instance where intercourse may be difficult is if someone -- perhaps Gloria -- has paid for a brightly lit neon sign to be posted on a highway -- a sign which flashes daily to thousands of drivers and their passengers, "Butch Johnson is not sensitive, nor attentive in sexual matters. When eating out, he will always pretend he forgot his wallet, and you'll wind up paying for dinner." In this situation, Butch's best chance at cardiovascular exercise would be to join the military, and make a life-long career defending freedom, because he will never again have the opportunity to defend his sexual competence.

All names used represent fictitious people. The names are indeed true; you'll find them in a phone book perhaps. But for this story, they only represent people who don't exist.

Some people may feel sorry that Butch will never have the chance to learn his lesson. Often lessons in life are hard to learn. One case would be where an individual has become emotionally attached to a member of the opposite sex. This individual later finds out that the other member gets paid to sleep with eight or nine people a week, or frequently has sex with their former spouse for nostalgia sex. In this case, the individual was probably not taught as a child or in school some of the warning signs which accompany such behavior. The individual may feel betrayed, but that person has learned a lesson, one which is not mentioned in school textbooks, nor very many comic books. From what little we know of Butch, he may have lied about his wallet, but he didn't cheat on Gloria or engage in prostitution. From reading the text flashing on the sign, we have also ascertained that Butch's secondary deficiency is that he's a sexual clod. We have no evidence which implies that Butch committed a felony or is considering becoming a bigamist.

Dulling things down a bit from sex to flirting, there are some pick-up lines and phrases that will work for one person, but not another. I'll now quote a phrase that Butch may have been able to use at some point in his past. Sadly for Butch, only a small chance exists now (somewhere in the the lower levels of Hell), that he'll be successful while flirting with a cashier at a gas station, saying, "You have really nice hands. What makes them especially appealing to me is that you don't hide the loveliness of any of your fingers by wearing a wedding ring on any of them. I'm always drawn to women who possess bare body parts. Do you happen to have any other anatomically correct areas that are without wedding rings, where the natural beauty is completely exposed and can be appreciated, the way God intended for you?"

Now I have written an article which contains no controversial subject matter, but also no point. It lacks substance, and virtue. Logic has escaped along with any preconceived notions of sanity. We have only established that I can sometimes end sentences with periods, and run-on sentences can be efficiently utilized, provided that I am the author, and I receive a steady drip of intravenous fluids to compensate for my lack of any knowledge or sense of the English or American language. For where there is controversy, there are minds behind it -- perhaps minds that are more allergic to normalcy and conformity than my own. I will now end this by letting you know that if I had a good ending, I would have used it. Trust me on that. I wasn't trying to be controversial, I just didn't want to end this article with Butch's quote. It seemed to need another paragraph, so I let my hands fall on my keyboard, and this last paragraph was the result. I'm deeply apologetic about the whole situation. Next time, I promise, I will have an ending worthy of my non-reputation.