Thunder Thighs Begins, Returns, Forever and Ever...Amen!
©Mental Dimensions Humor Ezine
by Chris Nardone
.:Fantasy Humor:.
28 Mar 2006
Faster than a speeding Turtle...Comments/Vote
More powerful than a chili stinker...
Able to leap Barbie doll townhouses in a single bound...
It's a nerd...it's a turd...no, it's THUNDER THIGHS!
* * *
It all started on a planet in the neighborhood of that Kal-El guy's home world called Ticklon. No, this planet wasn't in danger of exploding.
Not even close.
There lived a dimwitted couple who were lousy parents, deciding to send their whiny little rugrat to Earth where it would be in the care of gullible, stupid-ass, Earthling parents.
The Frauts were just sitting down to watch the movie "Caveman" on HBO when out of the TV popped that little shit from Ticklon. God knows why, but they named him Freaky. Yeah, Freaky Fraut. Years later, they sent Freaky to the store to get some snacks and road beers. On his way there, lightning struck him. Right in his thighs! Ouch!
When he returned home after getting his ass kicked out of the liquor store, he discovered a criminal known as The French Tickler had tickled his clueless parents to death. The weirdo with the large legs vowed to fight back against injustice...and idiotic drunks everywhere.
When he became an adult, Freaky Fraut lied about his education and became the dumb, mild-mannered reporter for the even dumber "Trashy Times" tabloid. He stopped the French Tickler from world domination and the planet was safe once again.
Our hero's second test came when an alien dental hygienist named Tartar Teeth threatened to put Earth's populace under the spell of her horrid-looking chops. But, always fear! Thunder Thighs was here! He defeated the molar maid with a mouthful of toothpaste (Crest, I think it was). But, something else was amiss on Planet Earth. Those famous Superfriends' third cousins once removed were about to go El Berserko and give Mr. Thighs a true test of his idiotic superpowers...
In the office of Trashy Times chief editor, one P.U. Stinke was having an intellectual conversation with Freaky Fraut. "...and the next time I catch you looking at Muffy's ass, Frick, I'll report you to the police, dammit! She's only ten years old for Christ's sake! There are laws against ogling someone's daughter, you know?"
"Uh, sir," Freaky stammered, "Muffy is your dog, not your daughter. And if you'd keep your mutt from passing gas in my direction..."
"Wha-? Then who's the little girl that's been hanging around my house for the last month or so?"
"That would be the girl from down the street whom you keep stealing, and claiming as your daughter. I have the parents' restraining order right here, sir."
"What? I don't have a daughter? But, Helen and I..."
"Uh, you're not married, either, sir. You live with those two guys last time I checked."
"No!" Stinke cried out. "It can't be! Help, help! I've been kidnapped by aliens! Abandon ship! Sound the retreat! Men and cowards first! I..."
Freaky Fraut put up his hands, trying to calm his boss down. "It's okay, chief. You're here at Trashy Times. You were about to chew my ass out, remember?"
Stinke's face twisted with uncertainty for a long moment. Then he settled back down. "Ah! So I was! Listen up here, Fruit! You've always been a pea-brained, wart-assed, zit-popping, tittie-twisting, toenail-chewing moron of a reporter! So, get out there and get me a story or you're finished. Got that?"
"Yes, oh, high exalted one. Right away!"
"Little putz," Freaky muttered as he exited Stinke's office and shut the door behind him. He looked back at his dimwit boss, then out to the rows of desks and reporters before him. "Hey, everyone! Chief Stinke is bumping uglies with a transsexual Satan worshiper!"
As main office went crazy with blood-sucking reporters rushing to get the latest gossip to press, Timmy Tootles, the boyish cub reporter approached Freaky Fraut. "Hey, Freaky, did you hear? A bunch of crooks just robbed an armored car. It's the largest theft the city has ever seen. Police are in pursuit right now. Too bad you can't get there to cover the story."
Freaky's eyebrow rose quizzically, and he cupped his chin. "No, maybe not. But, I know who can. Thunder...um...Thunder...Thunderman? No, that's not it. Thunder...Thunder..."
"Thunder Thighs?" Tootles asked as he walked off shaking his head.
"A-ha!" Freaky spouted. "How could I forget? It's Thunder Thighs to the rescue!!"
Freaky Fraut ducked into a back room. He changed into his very attractive puke green tights and baby poop brown boots, a triangle emblazoned with a double T across his chest. Then he got to the nearest window.
"Up...up and," Thunder Thighs stopped suddenly and furrowed his brow. "Now what comes after 'up' and 'up'? Oh, well! Up, up and bombs away!!"
Oops! There's one tidbit about T.T. that we forgot to mention. He hasn't mastered that flying gig yet.
"LOOKOUT BELOW!"
A person down on the ground pointed upwards, following the inanimate object all the way to the ground. "Look, up in the sky! It's a nerd! It's a turd! No, it's Thunder Thighs sticking head-first in the pavement!"
T.T slowly got up from the big hole in the street amid gawking citizens with a scowl on his face. "Why didn't you numbnuts tell me that first step was a doozy!"
"Don't you think you should go after the armored car?" a woman asked.
"The armored car? Oh, the armored car. Of course!"
"Then move your ass!"
"O-kee-doe-kee," Thunder Thighs replied. "Now, I will take to the sky!"
T.T. shot into the air, looking around for the stolen vehicle. No, the dimbrain didn't possess x-ray vision.
"What are you doing!" someone shouted. "The armored car is THAT way!"
"I knew that, kind citizen! Just checking wind resistance! Never fear, Thunder Thighs is here! Now where is that armored car? Ah, there it is! I'll just swoop down in front of it. That should do the trick!"
T.T. landed in the path of the oncoming armored car. Uh-oh! Is this wise?
"I'll just stand here and stop the truck, that's what I'll do." With hands conceitedly on hips, he stood tall against the ever approaching vehicle. "Give it up, evil doers! You can't win! Truth, justice and...whatever the hell that other one is will conquer in the end! For I am Thunder..."
Well, the armored car just kept on going. Riddle for the day: What wears tights and is flat? A group of concerned citizens approached the haggard superhero, his outfit torn to shreds as he shakily got to his feet.
"Thunder Thighs, are you okay?"
"Anyone get the plates on that freight train?"
"It's a truck."
"Whatever."
"It's getting away! Do something!"
"Don't worry, my princess!" T.T. shouted. "I'll save you!"
"Jeez," a young boy blurted. "He's fucked up!"
Back into the air Thunder Thighs went. The stunned crowd watched as their idiotic superhero utilized his main power. A lightning bolt shot out of one of his thighs, blowing up the retreating armored car.
"Whoa," the same kid gasped. "He blew up the truck! Hey, everyone! Free money!"
* * *
While back at the Trashy Times, Freaky Fraut arrived just in time to catch the late-breaking news report. "Earlier today," a newsman stated, "robbers hijacked an armored car and led police on a chase through the city. With the appearance of Thunder Thighs, you would have thought the robbers were foiled. But, the idiot superhero created a riot downtown when he blew up the truck and scattered the loot down a city block. People flocked to the scene..."
Timmy Tootles stood there sighing heavily. "Damn! It's so embarrassing to have a superhero who can't do anything right."
"Well, he did foil the crime," Freaky Fraut said.
"Oh, boy!" Tootles said. "Now what?"
Someone off camera handed the newsman a late-breaking report. "This just in. Top ranking members of the Superfriends' brothers' mothers' ex-roommates' third cousins have apparently started to go berserk. We don't know what has caused this but their respective cities have been under siege by the superheroes. Here is a live picture from Metamucilopolis. As you can see, a smog cloud has blanketed the area, courtesy of Superpooper. Witnesses are saying that people are dying from the horrid smell."
"Holy shit!" Freaky gasped.
The news anchor continued. "While in Glute City, Buttman and his sidekick Bart are going through town mooning residents. More reports have filtered in that Blunder Woman and the Green Loogee have also been exuding strange behavior. The President has been helpless as far as the armed forces are concerned. He is pleading that someone comes forward to try and stop these rampaging superheroes from destroying everything in their path."
Do we even have to ask who's going to volunteer? "There's only one person who can stop this," Freaky declared. "I must find a phone booth so that I can go into action." He started on his way, but stopped suddenly. "Oh, crap! They got rid of all the phone booths!"
A citizen on the ground pointed into the air. "Look, up in the sky..."
Thunder Thighs blurted out in a sing-song voice. "Here I am to save the day! Thunder Thighs is on his way!" Then he coughed a few times, for he couldn't sing for shit. "Don't worry, planet Earth! I'll wrong the rights! I'll save the rain forests! I'll put in for child slavery laws! I'll..."
THUNK!
"Horse pucky! Where the hell did that brick wall come from?"
The flying dipshit barely made it to Metamucilopolis and spotted Superpooper, clad in his brown and sand colored tights. "Alright, Superpooper, cease your hostile actions at once!"
"Says who, saddlebags?"
T.T. stood proudly in the superhero pose with hands on hips. "I'm Thunder Thighs!"
"Who?"
"Uh, well, I..."
"Never heard of you!"
With that the Super One let one rip! Uh, gas that is. Yikes! Seeming to have no effect on T.T., Superpooper was stunned. "Wait! Stop the presses! You weren't even affected by one of my superfarts?"
"Well, Super Piss-ant, if you'd known who I was, you'd know that I'm more powerful than a chili stinker!"
"Is that so? Well, I'm the Man of Stool! So, take THIS!"
Thunder Thighs then found out he bragged too much about his chili stinker moniker.
TIMBER!
As T.T. staggered to his feet, he waved his hand back and forth across his face. "Jesus Christ! What the hell was that?"
Superpooper stuck his nose primly in the air. "I take offense to that, sir. I am not Jesus Christ!"
"Pardon the hell outta' me!"
"How about another dose!"
By this time, Thunder Thighs needed some cotton balls for his nose. "I think I'm gonna throw up! But first, how about a bolt of lightning!"
A lightning bolt fired from T.T.'s thighs and hit Superpooper dead center. Back, back, back, back, back, back...HOMERUN!
"Now clean up your city, you smelly smartass!"
A defeated Superpooper staggered to his feet. "Yes, mommy!"
"That's one down," Thunder Thighs declared. "I must continue my quest to save the planet! Up...up...in a galaxy far, far away!"
Late breaking news: UFO in tights crashing to earth. Ouch! It wasn't too much longer that T.T. made it to Glute City.
"Ah, here we are! Glute City!" He snickered. "Wait'll they get a load of me!"
Coming around the corner in the Assmobile was Buttman and Bart. "Look, Bart! It's a superhero," Buttman said.
"Holy diaper wipes, Buttman," Bart replied. "What are we gonna do?"
"Don't fret, my retarded masked companion," Buttman stated. Then he looked down at his waist. "I'm sure we have something on these damn utility belts that can work."
Thunder Thighs took his famous pose of hands on hips. "Okay, Buttman. You and your idiotic friend must give it up!"
"This is our city, peckerneck!" Buttman spat. "Butt out!" Buttman chuckled. "How's that for a pun?"
"Don't you realize these poor old ladies are going into cardiac arrest when they see that ugly ass of yours?" T.T. said.
"Holy talcum powder!" Bart declared. "He's got a point."
Buttman slapped Bart over the head. "Shutup, you twit!"
Thunder Thighs turned to Bart. "And you! Isn't your name Rob..."
"No, it's Bart! I had it legally changed!"
"Let's give him some Butt-shark repellent," Buttman said.
"Are you out of your god-damned mind?" Bart retorted. "What the hell would we be doing with shark repellent?"
"They always had it on that T.V. series," Buttman replied.
"Well, this isn't a T.V. series," T.T. said. "Prepare to mate your meeker!"
I think that meant it was lightning bolt time. If this were hockey, one would say, 'He shoots, he SCORES!'
"Holy ass-whippings, Buttman! I think he got us!"
"No shit!" Buttman said. "And change your name back to what it was, schmuck!"
"Now clean up your stupid town and I shall be on my way!" T.T. declared. "Into the air I go!"
"Oh, Thunder Thighs," Bart called out. "Watch out for..."
CRASH!
"...Glute City Cathedral," Bart finished limply.
As our hero unscrambled his already useless brains, he flew on in search of the Green Loogee. And found him soon enough, landing to confront the green clad superhero.
"Hello, Green Snot-rag," Thunder Thighs said. "Do you realize you've been spitting all over your decent little town?"
"Yes."
Oh, jeez! T.T. got a nice wet one on the cheek. Mr. Thighs just stood there with a pleasant look on his face.
"No need to get upset. Once is no big deal. But, what you're doing is not very nice. I think you should stop and apologize."
"Oh, yeah?"
Double jeez! Thunder Thighs got another wad on his forehead. Wiping himself down once again, T.T. just shrugged.
"I'm willing to forgive and forget the second time around. But think of the example you're setting for the kids. Would you like to be spit on?"
"Yes."
I think we can all guess what the Green Loogee did next. Yuck!
"Then take this, you green-headed buffoon!" Thunder Thighs shouted.
If this was football, the appropriate thing to say would be, 'It's the Hail Mary throw! TOUCHDOWN!'
T.T. came to stand before a prone Green Loogee. "I want you to say five Hail Mary's and five Our Father's and call me in the morning."
"Forgive me, Thunder Thighs, for I have sin-"
"One more superhero to go," T.T. declared. "Up...up...and away in a manger!"
CRASH!
"Would someone please tell me where the brakes are on these tights? This is getting ridiculous!"
* * *
"Now as I fly above the ground, where in the hell is Blunder Woman? A-ha! There she is! LOOKOUT BELOW!"
Captain Thunder comes crashing to Earth with a loud thud.
Blunder Woman, clad in a skimpy red, white and blue...and green...and purple, etc. etc. suit saw T.T. shakily getting up from the crater in the ground.
"Hmm," Blunder Woman wondered. "Who is that? Is it a nerd? No. Is it a turd? Naw! It's..."
"Thunder Thighs with a big headache!" T.T. finishes for her.
"What do you want?"
"You're the last superhero gone berserk. I'm going to stop you."
"Give it your best shot!"
"How about I give you a blast of..."
"Oh, by the way?"
"Yes, what is it?"
"Do you know where the fuck my Invisible Crop Duster is? I can't find it for shit!"
"No," Thunder Thighs replied. "I have no idea. Now, I'm going to hit you with..."
"God dammit!"
"What now?"
"You know, I think I forgot my miracle bra! If that doesn't cut it! Oh, what I wouldn't give to have a nice healthy rack...instead of these flippin' bee stings!"
"That's nice. Prepare to get blasted to..."
"Well, shit my pants!"
Thunder Thighs rolled his eyes in disgust. "I'm afraid to ask."
"Look at my ass! It's huge! I had no idea. Why didn't you speak up, asshole?"
"Do you mind? I'm trying to blow you into oblivion!"
"Is that all? Go ahead!"
Thunder Thighs shot a lightning bolt from his thighs. The wonder wench put up her magic bracelets and deflected it. T.T. smacked himself on the forehead.
"I missed!"
"But, look what you did! My bracelets are stuck together! Do you know how much these things cost? Help me get them apart!"
T.T. and Blunder Woman spent the next few minutes pushing and pulling, finally getting the melded bracelets apart. "There. That better?"
"Yes, but now I've got another problem."
Thunder Thighs makes a sour face. "I don't wanna hear it."
"You made me get a runner in my pantyhose. You're the biggest putz!"
"Sue me."
"I'll get you with my magic lasso!"
Thunder Thighs took a fighting pose as Blunder Woman whipped out the golden lasso and spun it around, twirling and twirling the rope. Then she let it fly. Thunder Thighs stood there looking at Blunder Woman with his arms folded.
"Help!" Blunder Woman shouted. "Get this damn thing off me!"
"My, my! Isn't that a sight?"
"Go ahead and laugh! Haven't you ever seen a person lasso'ed before?"
"Of course. A red, white, blue, green and purple cow!" T.T. put his hands on his hips in true superhero style and bellowed out with amused laughter.
"That's the last time I order by mail," Blunder Woman spat. "Bastards!"
"It looks like my work here is done," T.T. announced proudly. "Once again, I have saved humanity and preserved truth, consequences and Oreo cookies."
"What about me? Get this damn rope off me!"
"Sorry, old gal. I've already done my part. Anything else costs extra!"
"Why, you...!"
"Why me, indeed!" Thunder Thighs prepared for takeoff. "Up, down...all around!"
THUNK!
Blunder Woman observed T.T. lying prone on the ground in front of her. "What happened?"
"I think I just found your fucking Invisible Crop Duster!"
* * *
Tune in next week as Thunder Thighs goes to his Friday night poker game with buddies Diaperman and The Uncredible Bulk. Will T.T. ever play with a full deck? Will Diaperman keep his drawers clean? And will The Uncredible Bulk get through the door?
Until then, citizens, good night and god help us!